new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
