So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Randomize
