he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
