Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
