he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I could fuck to npr.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
