so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
