I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
