i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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