He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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