Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
