Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
