hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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