Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
In America we eat man semen.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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