I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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