Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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