Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
