There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
