Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
