he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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