So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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