I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
