I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
