We got so high we made milksteak
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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