I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
