I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
