i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
