I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
