I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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