Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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