I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
