Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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