he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
