Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
lets start a swedish sibling band together
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
