I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
