So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We need to get me chipped asap
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
