Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
is wine microwaveable?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Randomize
