I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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