I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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