i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
