My nipple is on Facebook.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
