I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
