you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
