Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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