Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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