Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
