i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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