i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
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