She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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