This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
