Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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